I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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