I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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