I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
