I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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