Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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