dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Dude, I just had an awesome rave/orgy with like bunch of hot Asian chicks on a cable car. It was like being in a Gwen Stefani video, cept w/o the bad spelling
God, I love San Francisco.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
