God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
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