end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Randomize
