I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
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