i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Randomize
