Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I feel great
I just peed on a car
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Randomize
