ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
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