My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
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