i love accidental penises.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
Randomize
