my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
