i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
