I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Randomize
