you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Randomize
