Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
so would me posting the photos of the cock and coin jar incident be completely out of the question?
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
