the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
