Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
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