Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Randomize
