There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
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