totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Randomize
