I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
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