Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Randomize
