Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
