Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
