So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
My feet surprised me
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
