i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Randomize
