I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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