you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
