i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Randomize
