my phone needs a breathalizer
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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