the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Why dose there have to be another girl there for you to do this?
its hotter. Way hotter.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
