Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
Randomize
