and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
