do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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