and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
