Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
Randomize
