just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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