The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
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