He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
