He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
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