life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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