You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Randomize
