She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
The police scanner is talking about you again....
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Randomize
