if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
So apparently I’m into choking now
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