I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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