Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
His hands were made for my vagina.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
