Rock
Scissors
Fuck
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
Randomize
